watched the proverbial sunrisecoming up over the Pacific and
you might think I'm losing my mind,but I will shy away from the specifics...
'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been.
This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus]
Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said that it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

[Chorus]
I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talked to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun to create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.I heard the reverberating footsteps
synching up to the beating of my heart,and I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.
And I can't let that happen again
‘cause then you'll see my heartin the saddest state it's ever been.
This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus x2][Chorus]

Who I am hates who I've been
and who I am will take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I've been
‘cause who I've been only ever made me...So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
‘cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint hertoenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands gotarthritis too. That's love." Rebecca- age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."Billy - age 9

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne andthey go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your Frenchfries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sipbefore giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing,you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"Emily - age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop openingpresents and listen." Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend whoyou hate," Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears iteveryday." Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are stillfriends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked atall the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy - age 8

"My mommy loves me more than anybody You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - age 6

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine-age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he ishandsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone allday." Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothesand has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little starscome out of you." (what an image) Karen - age 7

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it'sgross." Mark - age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you meanit, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8

And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about acontest he was asked to judge.The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was anelderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman'syard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boysaid, "Nothing, I just helped him cry"

Tonite at church we talked about making a move . Getting out of the boat and out of our Comfort zone for God . when we read about Peter and Jesus walking on the water I caught somthing I had never caught before.

Jesus Immedatly reached out and said "oh you of little faith "

he Immediatly recahed out . I tend to be one of those people to just .. watch and let you suffer . I would be the one to say " O you of little faith " and watch you fight the water for a while . Because thats what you deserve . Man I am glad that God does not give me what I deserve , Because I do not even want to know what I deserve from God .
It Amazes me how God .. How he just .. Dosen't even remember the past . he dosen't hold the past against you . he dose not even worry about what you have done against him and how you have doubted him . Not only that but he dosen't worry about the fact that you are going to have rough days ahead .

Don't tell me you love me ... Prove it .

Why is it that we always have to make people prove things to us . Why can't we just take it for what it is ? Why it is that we try and test those that we are closest to ? knowing that it could damage the realtionship forever ? I belive that we are all born with the value of Love . Think of a baby . They do not know anything but love . They have nothing to be afraid of , no reason to think that there every need is not going to be met . They love and will smile at anyone that will give them time . But somewhere between then and now , we have lost that abilty to just love .. we don't trust people to take care of us . we don't trust people just to love us . Just love us for us . not for anything eles just us . There are verry few people that I can think of that love me . That I know that love me . These peopleI have not really put through Test I didn't have to . I just know . I love that feeling of just knowing you are loved and cared for . I love the feeling that you can trust someone to be there for you , and they can trust you to be there for them if they ever need it . I love that feeling .

I went to a youth devo first one in a long while . there were alot of us in one room , which is part of the fun . all singing together and such . Just as we were all starting to get Hot we went outside . of course it was freezing and we all were getting kind of loud . and there are Neighbors all around ,so we had to be Quiet. I can't Imagine how the early christians must have felt . being in cramped quarters all the time and they couldn't go outside and worship . I just don't get it . How did they do it ? Meet eveynight in someones house and just sit in a room with little or no light Praising God . But having to be O so careful that no one heard what was going on because the fear of being killed .

I am so grateful that I live in a country that I am able to worship freely .

I have been working on my math and watching parts of the country music awards and I heard this song . I absolutely love it . It is by Carrie Underwood

She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy with the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It would been a long hard year
She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
She was going way to fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was sooo scared
She threw her hands up in the air
Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this all on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel
It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my lifeI know I've got to change
So from now on tonight
Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting goSo give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Oh, Jesus take the wheel
Oh, I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm onJesus take the wheel
Oh, take it, take it from me
Oh, why, oh

I absolutely love this time of year . I love the falling leaves , the change in the weather ( hasn't happend so much yet , but it will I am waiting ) I love all the christmas "stuff ". One of my faveorite things is going in the malls and stores and seeing all the cool stuff they have out . all the decorations all the smells , and who could forget all the free samples of holiday breads and such . Kids are excited about Santa and the reindeer . I love the look in childrens eyes when they see santa . espically the ones that aren't afraid . I love sitting on the floor watching tv with my grandparents with the fireplace going . one of my faveorite thing we do at my house we make a scarecrow that is always so much fun . It is also funny when my grandmother forgets we make them and walks past it in the dark and screams . ha ha Good times ! I love to rake leaves and jump in the pile that is of course if they don't have ants or critters in them . I love being able to see my breath on cold days . and even though I am not a touchy person I love holding hand looking at christmas lights . or just holding hands because my hands stay so cold . I don't think there is anything about this time of year I don't like . I am just so excited today . Pumped up about everything .

when I was reading in the book Breaking Free by Beth Moore she says


"We tend to run to God for temporary relief. God is looking for people who will walk with him steadfast in belief. "

How many of us really do run to God for temporary fixes . I know I do . It is somthing I am trying to work on . It is very hard to do , because as I have said before I am I am going to trust somthing I can touch or see ? That is a problem but I am also quite a control freak . I want to do everything and that way It gets done my way the "right"way . Thats not what God is looking for . He wants someone that is willing to come to him with everything trust him with everything . That is completely understandable . I think of it this way . Would you want someone on your team that only played half heartedly ? I wouldn't . Thats not to say you would not let them play on your team, but the whole team may suffer . I pray that I become someone that is able to walk in Steadfast belief and someone that God will use . In whatever way he sees fit .

On another note :

several people have approached me about teaching a ladies class one Wed. night . I am not so sure I would want to do this . but I am praying about it . Please pray as well . that I will make the right decisions .

its when I have days like this when I need to know that I am loved . Its days like this when I need to be held rocked. its days like this that make life so hard .

But it is also days like this that will make you appreciate the good days .




9 "And you, my son Solomon, acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the LORD searches every heart and understands every motive behind the thoughts. If you seek him, he will be found by you; but if you forsake him, he will reject you forever. 10 Consider now, for the LORD has chosen you to build a temple as a sanctuary. Be strong and do the work." Chron,28:9-10

How do people know you ?

I am the girl at church who talks to EVERYONE ! I can't help it . I have alot to say .. and there are alot of people that like to talk just as much as I do . I am also "the driver " since my papa is in a wheel chair I am the one behind him pushing him along to the car where my grandmother undoubtingly will be waiting . I am the Kirkland's grandughter . Thats pretty much how eveyone knows me . I can't tell you how many times I hear " O yeah I know your grandparents .. I just didn't know y'all belonged together "

all that is well and good . but how else do people know you . are you and encourager , are you the quiet one , are you the one that no one really notices because your just kind of in the back ground . Are you the one that is a leader and is in front of everyone ?

Is how people know you what you really are ? Is how people know you How you wan to be known ? Is it what God wants you to be known as ?

Once again I was reading in my Book "Breaking Free" and she asks this question

"Why are we afraid to ask God to humble us ? "

Honestly I don't know . I think it is because as humans our "fleshy" ( I really don't like usuing that but I couldn't come up with anything else) " nature is to say "Look what I did " "I am important" .


Don't you think it is Amazing how we ask God to do everything for us . except for the things that we need . We really need . As a college student I find myself all the time saying . "O God PAH-LEEEEEEEZE let me pass this test . " Pah-leeeze " , If by chance I do pass the test . I don't take time to thank God .

Aren't we afraid of what our Pride will do to us ? what it will bring about in our world ? I am a verry prideful person . It is extreemly hard for me to ask for help . to ask for anything . I want to do it alone .

Pray that I will be more humble and overcome this pridefulness

" Do you belive that God Loves you ?" ............
"Love is a Verry strong word"
"ok, do you belive God is passionatly persuing you ?"
"....... I don't know "

That was a conversation I had one day . I was the one Answering the questions. Last night I couldn't sleep . and I thought about that . I had been thinking about it for awhile but last night I had not been able to get it off my mind . Finally I figured it out . Yes . God loves me , God is passionatly persuing me .I am the one that is not passionatly persuing him . I am the one that is not doing the loving .
I can't really describe what I am feeling right now , but I know that good things are comming . I have not had very much of a relationship with God over the past couple of years . Yes , there have been times when I was "on fire for God " for a few days . But for the most part I have just been "playin'" Playing church . Playing to be someone that they are not . That is not fair to me or anyone else for that matter .

I'm Sorry .

How many idols do you have ?

Not DO YOU have any idols, HOW many idols do you have ?

I am reading a Book called Breaking Free by Beth Moore . In the books she says .

" When we look to other sources for satisfaction we are guilty of idolatry ."

when I read that the first time I had to go back and reread it . It was something I had never thought of before . We know he is a jealous God. And we know that he can fill our every need so why do we go looking for it somewhere else ? When we do that we are putting other things in front of God, and putting God on hold while we try to satisfy whatever need we have .

I know I do this . I look for people to satisfy me . In every way . I lean on my grandparents to put me through school and keep me alive , I hold them responsible for that . Not God .

This is something I want to work on . Leaning on God . Keeping him first in my life , not anything or anyone else .

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding ; in all you ways acknowledge him , and he will make your paths straight .

As I flipped open my bible , this is what it opened to . Probably because Proverbs if one of my favorite books .(especially when I get lost in a sermon at church happens all the time ) , But I do love this verse .I have it on my mirror and I look at it everyday . This happens to be a very hard verse for me to follow though .

Trust in the Lord with all your heart It is hard enough for me to trust what I see around me , even a little bit . But I am supposed to trust God with all my heart . Someone / something I can't see or touch .

Lean not on your own understandings . Ok I am a human . Sometimes we think we know it all and we can hande it all alone . I tend to be one that always wants to do it by myself , I don't need help , I don't want help , and I am not going to ask for it . I can't tell you how many times a day I find myself saying" Ok God that's a good idea.. But what about this .I think I am going to do it my way " HA HA we all know what happens when we think like that . But we all do it all the time . Will we ever learn ? Only God knows .

In all you do acknowlegde him . In ALL my ways . That means when I am by myself or with somebody right ? When I hanging out with friends , or I am talking on the phone , or driving to work . In the good AND the bad . Or maybe just when I am sitting in my room all alone besides my cat . In EVERYTHING I do . Not just the Sunday and Wednesday services . Not just when I am around church people . All the time Everyday . Acknowledge God .

and he will make your paths straight . Ok . That path may feel lonely at times it will have some bumps and humps .. But it will be straight . And God will be with me the whole time .
That feeling of love is something I can't help but want . It is something I am willing to do the work for . At times I Get tired of doing the work and then I see this last part of the verse . And I know it is worth it .