I feel so unstable right now . In EVERY aspect . I feel unstable in what I belive in , I feel unstable in who I belive in .
How do i know that I know that I know that I am right .

How do I know that people are going to be there for me ? How do I know that people really do care and aren't just going to leave me hanging ? how Do I know that I am making the right choices ?
I don't . This is what scares me . I fear being alone .but yet when I get upset I push everyone away , but no one will push back . It's my way of testeing people to see if they care for me . I fear not loving enough an not being enough for people . I fear putting my faith in the wrong places and in the wrong people . I have put my faith in a totally wrong place before on several occasions and it just ends up being shattered a I just fear .. I live in a constant state of fear . . it shatters me .

I am tired of being shattered . I am tired of rebuilding . I am tired . I am tired of fearing what I fear . I am ready yo put and end to it all . I am ready to just be the happy girl I am most of the time . The girl that everyone sees on the outside . The girl that even though she couldn't make herself happy or smile she could make you .

I am just ready ..

And I have been thinking

Who is going to pick up my pieces when I fall apart ? How do I know that you will ? I have trusted so many people in the past to pick me up , and They didn't they tore me down more than anything .

Will you be there ?

someone asked me last night .
"Cassey my love ... you don't like puzzels ... then why do you keep picking up everyone elses pieces and trying to put them back together?"
Then it dawned on me .. as It has before .
it isn't my job to pick up everybodys mess . I don't like doing it . They broke it they can fix it . sometimes I can't help but feel like all the kings horses and all the kings men . trying to put humpty dumpty together .and I wonder . Wh o and where are the pople that will put me back together again ? should I be trying to help someone that won't help me ? But I can't help but wonder if that is the right Attitude that God would want me to have . the same person told me that I needed to focus on me and take care of me .
I try but everytime I do I feel so selfish . There are people I can be helping . Better things to be doing than taking care of myself .

what do you think?

how many days ago was it when I was saying how good things were going ?

3-4 .. not that many just when I think things are good . I think I have changed .. My life has changed . Another hit comes .

I should be used to it by now I guess , but I am not . I don't think I will ever be .

I feel like .. I don't even know what I feel anymore . I feel helpless . and I can't help but feel responsible , when I know it isn't my fault .. I guess that is just who I am .

I guess this is just what life is all about . Building up and then be knocked back down so you can build up again .

I am tired of rebuilding . every bone in my body is tired . all the hairs on my head are tired . somtimes I wonder if I just left if it would all just go away .

the past couple of weeks have been hard . But, strangly I am so happy . I can't remember ebing this happy where I was in life , what I was doing , who I am with . and just plain being proud of who I am . I think Maybe I have finally come out of the rain and into the rainbow . I feel like I am just sitting on a rainbow . Even though things may not be perfect I am ok with it . I don't want things to be Perfect . I am setteling for a good day today .

I LOVE American Idol . when Ayla sang this song I feel in love with it, and I love what it says . It seems to say excatly what I am feeling .

"Unwritten"
I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefinedI'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty windowLet the sun illuminate the words that you could not findReaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste itRelease your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it inNo one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
Oh, oh, ohI break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty windowLet the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it inNo one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide openToday is where your book begins
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it inNo one else, no one elseCan speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide openToday is where your book begins
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one elseCan speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
Oh, yeah, yeah